As a comic I need places to practice new jokes and open mics provide these opportunities. A lot of comedy clubs will have a night set aside for an open mic or make it a part of their paid show. When you can’t find a club that does this, you turn to more unconventional places like bars, hotels, bowling alleys etc. Stage time is stage time… So they say.
Last night (or whenever I post this thing) I went to an open mic in a bar in a little town. And when I say little I mean little. This bar probably was the biggest employer in town with its 3 employees. My buddy Jim found this place and was able to get this open mic running. Open mics are meant for ALL types of people to attend. You can get 1st timers all the way up to seasoned pros who have tv credits. Again, it is all about stage time.
Jim set the lineup and the card was full. I was 3rd on the list. There was a new guy who was upset because he didn’t make it on but he was told that he could get on at the next open mic there in 2 weeks. He wasn’t too pleased but that is life. He was drunk already so you knew he would have been good. (When will they make a sarcasm font?)
The show was 2 people in when you could hear someone heckling from the OUTSIDE! This person was saying things like “When is he gonna tell a joke?” and witty things like that. It happened more than once so I went out to the patio to tell this person to knock it off. I had no idea who it would be but low and behold it was the douchnozzle who wasn’t getting time. There is nothing I hate more than a comic heckling another comic. It is just stupid so I told the guy that we could hear him inside and that he needed to knock it off. And too be honest I wasn’t nearly as nice as this. I think I actually said he needed to keep his ‘fucking yap shut.’ He then said something dumb to me so I stepped really close to him and challenged him to a fight. I was completely sober and I just didn’t give a fuck. I have given up on dealing with tards like this.
(Here is a some info on me and why this is out of character. I’ve never been in a fight ever. I have a masters degree in social work and generally work towards peaceful resolutions and compromises in correlation with that education. I’m 42 years old, 6’5″ tall and weigh about 205. Not a terribly imposing figure. Currently I do not have health insurance either. None of that mattered to me though as all I wanted to do was kick in this guy’s teeth.)
He didn’t want any part of me though as he backed up and away. Whatever. I was the next guy performing so I walked back in. I was planning on working on new material and new tags I had. Sadly I never got to it. When I got onstage I mentioned the douchebag outside and how people like that needed to keep their mouths shut, and this received a round of applause. They guy came in and I verbally attacked him again. He didn’t get it and kept saying shit to me and I lost it. I put the mic back in the stand, left the stage, walked up to him and challenged him to go outside. He had no intention of going outside nor did he have any intention of shutting his yap. He also seemed to feel that he had a right to say what he wanted because this was his home town and I was an outsider. I didn’t quite get this mentality but this guy clearly was not in his right state of mind. Another guy told me to stop telling him what to do as I was explaining how an open mic worked and what the audiences expecations (of listening) were. He felt like I was telling him to do things like his boss. (‘Where the fuck am I?!’ I thought.) Eventually Jim, the mc, came over and stopped the incident from escalating more. I sat down and I have no idea where the other guy went.
The show continued, awkwardly at first, and I had time to process what I had done. I felt a certain level of shame for it. I had disrupted someone else’s show in a completely inappropriate manner. I am not a terribly aggressive person and generally don’t look for violence to be an end. I’m not gonna lie tho, I wanted that guy to take a poke at me. I wanted an excuse to take his head off. Kind of scary but that is how it went down in the moment.
With that being said I had more people buy me drinks after that then any comedy show I have done. A comic bought me one for ‘sticking up for the comics.’ A regular customer bought me one because he felt ashamed of the other guy. He said he was the town ‘fuck up.’ It was all very surreal to me. It is generally not something that comics do or should do. We seem to be for the most part pacifists or at least guys not looking to get into a fight. As I drove there with 3 other comics we processed it on the way home. It was determined that guy was indeed an asshole and that others were thinking of alibis for me if I had ended up kicking his ass.
I had some guys call me the next morning to talk about it. They had never seen me act like that before (mostly because I hadn’t). I’m usually the keeper of the peace but not last night. After thinking about it more in my head if this guy had just been a guy I would have let it go. But because he wanted to tell jokes himself I just couldn’t stand it. I apologized to the guy running the open mic but I doubt I will ever apologize to the douchenozzle. In fact a buddy told me he overheard the guy saying something about getting a knife. (Something that never crossed my mind, that a guy in the sticks would have a knife or a gun on hand. I will remember that next time.)
Next time I will just keep my yap shut and let me words do the talking. Although I really wish he would have taken a swing.