Archive | January, 2013

Some advice to newbies and open micers.

22 Jan
This is some unsolicited advice on how to do a better job as an open micer onstage.  I’d like think I know something about open mics as I do them and run one myself (for 7 years now).  None of this should pertain to the material they do.  Open micers will have to figure out what is funny on their own…  In no particular order…
1) Be professional when you get to the club.  Check in with the guy running the open mic.  Ask about any rules they might have pertaining to time, material, or anything else.  Be respectful and stay out of the way.  Most clubs don’t necessarily want to run an open mic.  Don’t give them a reason to not do it.
2) Watch where the mc/host goes up on stage.  This should be how you get up onstage as well too.  More than likely the host of the show has been there before and knows what he is doing.  Follow his lead.  Be prepared to get up onstage when it is your turn.  You should already know your order number so don’t be unprepared and be in the back when your name gets called.  There is not much worse that having the applause die before you got onstage because it took you 30 seconds to get up there.  Be ready to go!
3) If you take the mic out of the mic stand put the stand behind you!  Otherwise it is a distraction and/or impairs people being able to see you.
4) Put the mic near your mouth!!!  It is important for people to be able to hear you so it helps if the mic can pick up what you are saying.  Pretend the mic is an ice cream cone (it doesn’t need to touch your lips though) if that helps you.  Don’t cover the mic part with your hand.  This kind of defeats the purpose of having the mic in your hand.
5) Pay attention to the light/bell/or other signal that tells you your time is coming to an end.  NO ONE likes people who go over their time.  The guy running the open mic will think you are unprofessional.  The other open micers will think you are a more colorful word.  So unless your goal is to be that colorful word watch for the signal!  If you are dying, don’t try to dig your way out of a hole.  It won’t happen.  If you are killing, that is the best time to get off the stage.  Leave the crowd wanting more.
6) Don’t ask for more time.  Take what they give you.  If the open mic wants to give you more time they will give you more time. 
7) When you are preparing to finish, put the mic back in the stand and say to the crowd “My name is ——-. That’s my time.  Thank you very much.”  This lets the host know that you are done.  Hosts don’t like it when you goof around up there.  Make it clear that you are done.  Make sure the mic is back where you found it on the stage.  Wait for the host to get back on stage before you leave.  Shake their hand (fist bump, whatever) and leave the stage the same way you got on.  Go back to where you were sitting before the show started.
8) I suggest thanking whoever ran the open mic for giving you time.  It is good manners and will possibly make you standout from others.  There are more than likely dozens, if not more, open micers in your town that want time.  Why not seperate yourself from them by using good manners?!  Indicate that you would like more time and would want to get back on the schedule.  If you didn’t like the open mic still thank them for the time.  No need to burn bridges as you never know when another opportunity might come up.
9) After the show be sure to network (or at least talk to) the other open micers.  You never know if someone is going to start another open mic or do a road trip somewhere.  A good part of comedy is about WHO you know and not how funny you are.  This again goes back to my point about not being a colorful word.  You don’t have to be someone’s best buddy but you don’t need to be standoffish or aloof.  Often you can barter time on one stage for another when you get to know people.
10) I also suggest not getting drunk at the show.  This can lead to bad things.  I once saw a guy do an open mic and the proceed to get hammered during the rest of the show.  He started to heckle the headliner and eventually was asked to leave.  He was banned from the club for 3 months.  He learned his lesson but it was something that should have been avoided altogether.
11) TIP the waitstaff.  Don’t be a cheapass and ask for some water and leave the waitstaff with no tip.  Most open mic nights are free to get in or are cheap anyway.  Buy a beer/softdrink/food whatever and tip the staff.  They will think more of you.  And you want the staff to like you!
12) Don’t hit on the waitstaff.  They aren’t there for you to mess around with.  Some downfalls of hitting on the waitstaff are they will think you are a dick/creepy/a bother etc.  If you do manage to get lucky with one here are the things the inevitably will happen- they waitstaff will think you are a dick/creepy/a bother.  This is NOT to your advantage to engage in.
13) Bring your notebook/scraps of paper/manifesto with you to the club but try to avoid bringing it onstage.  Try to remember your stuff before you get onstage and work it out.  If you have to use your notes I guess go ahead and do it.  However I ask you when watching headliners how many of them use notes during their act?  Just asking…
14) Someone suggested to me that people smile more onstage.  It presents that you are more likeable and are having a good time onstage.  I do believe this to be true.  However there are instances where you might be working on a character that is not likeable or is cranky etc…  If that is the case go with it, but try and still be connected with the audience.
15) Stick around for the whole show.  Whether you are 1st or 21st it is good form to sit and watch and support fellow comics.  People have the decency to do it for you so you should do it for them.  Also it is best not to rag on comics when onstage.  This serves no purpose (unless you know the guy very well and/or are joking around and they know it).  Lots of comics have thin skins.  We are all just trying to get better.  Offer advice and support if you have any.
16) I’d would suggest avoid asking the crowd “How they are doing?”  More than likely the host has already done this and probably the other comics have too.  Just get into the material and go from there.  The audience already knows how they are doing.  As an open micer I would avoid engaging in dialogue with the crowd.  Stick to material!!!
17) Have a purpose on stage.  Say what you want to say.  Have a goal and get to it.  Don’t meander!  The crowd will lose interest.  Stick to the plan, work it, and get off.  Even if it is only a few minutes.  A good tight short set is better than a long meandering one.
18) Leave your douchebag friends behind.  You are responsible for them.  Clubs will hold you responsible for their behavior.  Do you want to be responsible for your drunk buddy Eric’s behavior?!  I doubt it.
19) Record your sets.  Whether you do this for audio or visual it will help you figure things out.  Study film like a football player would.  HOWEVER you DON’T nned to post all of your sets.  I have seen a lot of shitty sets from open micers.  I am not sure why they would want the rest of the world to see that.  Keep those to yourself instead.
Ok, I am sure that there are a lot more things that could/should be added but I thought these were some of the biggest points to make.  I hope this will be helpful to people so that there open mic experience can be a better one.  Hit stages when you can.  You only get better by doing it!

This what’s wrong with the world today… manners.

19 Jan

This is what’s wrong with the world today… manners.  I consistently see people using bad manners.  I just wanna yell “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” but I’ve been told that is bad manners too.  I try to do what my momma taught me.

Some of you might know this already but I perform standup comedy.  I work in clubs and bars mostly.  I understand that people have been served alcohol but does that really give people the excuse to act like a douchebag?  Comedy requires an audience to pay attention and listen to what is being said.  The comedy comes from the surprise of what is spoken.  In these rooms (particularly bars) people often treat the comedy as background noise.  As if I was nothing more than a 3 piece jazz band in the corner.  People feel like they can just yell things out.  Where does this thought process come from?  Does this happen at other events?  Do people yell out in the middle of a Shakespearean play ‘Why won’t the spot come out?!’

So I have decided that I am gonna do as these people do.  I am just gonna yell out at places that maybe people don’t normally yell.  Traffic court would be a great place to start.  Why not yell at the judge and ask what he is wearing under his robe?  What is the worst that could happen? (Maybe telling me the answer is ‘nothing’ and then I will vomit.)  Why does the bailiff look like he helped write the Constitution?

How about yelling at sporting events like golf?  We can yell at other sporting events like hockey and football, why not these other sports?  What?  Are they too good to have someone yell?  Do they need all the attention because their mommy said they were special?  You’re hitting a stationary object!  It isn’t going anywhere.  Keep your head down and hit it you puss!  How about they stop wearing white too…

Libraries are great place to start yelling.  Mostly because they allow homeless people in there to shower in the bathroom sinks.  What is that about?  Shouldn’t there be a sign that says ‘Thank you for not showering in the sink.’  If these people are gonna be in there at least put them to work.  Make them a bathroom attendant or something.  And what is with all the books in the library anyway?  Any information you can want is found on the internet.  Wikipedia son!

Of course I am being facetious.  I would not do those things because I do not want people to do those things to me when I am working.  Pay attention people!  Stop being dicks.  But feel free to yell at traffic court.  I do wanna know what is going on under that robe.

This is what’s wrong with the world today… guns.

8 Jan

I am gonna just start right off by saying I don’t like guns.  There were never any guns in my household as a kid, I don’t own any myself, and I don’t ever wanna own any.  I’m not a hunter so I have no need for one.  I like in a relatively safe neighborhood so I don’t feel I need to have one for home safety.

I have been to a gun range once.  A buddy took me as I guess he felt I needed to man up or something.  We used his pistolas (Is that the right word?) and shot at some pieces of paper a distance away.  I shot fair enough I guess.  I hit the head and the gut a few times. Whatever. I didn’t like the noise and recoil.  I guess I am just a pussy.  Again, whatever.

If you wanna own a gun feel free I guess.  The 2nd amendment allows you to.  I know I just never felt safe knowing a gun was in the room.  Basically because I don’t trust people who own guns.  I don’t know what you are gonna do with it.  Would you trust me with a gun?  You bet your sweet ass you don’t!

Some people argue that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.  Yeah, that is correct but guns just make it a hell of a lot easier to do so.  People can kill people with a hammer.  How many mass hammerings do we hear about?  And while the 2nd amendment allows us to own guns, it was written when after a gun was fired it became a long knife (kudos to Chad Daniels for that analogy).  I imagine that the founding father might have a different look on gun ownership today.

Some people wanna arm teachers to prevent school shootings.  I am not sure arming teachers will prevent the shootings.  I do think that tests scores will improve.  I think students are gonna pay closer attention to things if they know their teachers are packing heat.

But Stu, if we out law guns only the outlaws will have guns! Are you fucking crazy?  I didn’t say that cops and soldiers couldn’t have em. Hell, let hunters keep their’s.  I just don’t think we need hand guns and guns that shoot 60 rounds a min out there.

With everything being said I highly doubt guns will go away.  Americans love blowing things away too much.  I just hope that no one ever creates a personal nuclear device for home protection. The NNA (National Nuclear Association) would say ‘You can take my nuke when you can take it from my fried melted hand.’

This is what’s wrong with the world today… the internet.

6 Jan

Yes, the internet is a magical wonderful place.  It has given us all the knowledge we could want, convenience of shopping at home, and the all important cat video.  Not sure how people in the 1950’s got by without a daily dose of cats scurrying around.

The internet has destroyed some things though.  For one the local know-it-all bar trivia guy is done.  Any bullshit factoid he spouts off can immediately be fact checked.  Sometimes I just enjoyed hearing this old guy’s stories.  I already knew he was lying like he worked in Congress.  I didn’t need to have someone fact check everything he said.  He keeps his mouth shut now knowing he will be found out.  I miss loud mouth guy and hearing his stories about fighting in South East Asia during WWII even though he is only 53.

2ndly I now know the opinion of TOO many people.  Facebook, Twitter, comment sections after articles now let every asshole with a 1 watt brain the ability to spout off.  Sadly most of these idiots use fake names like LionsLover12345 or ObamaSucksBalls or JoelOsteen to spread their lies and hatred.  Sack up tards! If you post crap, put your name on line or keep your fingers in your pants.  We all know you’re touching yourself already.  So crank one out and relax.

And have you seen these unnecessary battles on Facebook?  2 idiots just pounding each other with insults and name calling.  I gotta tell my folks to save that for the dinner table where it belongs.  No need to air things in public.  Remember people, you don’t need to hit send.  Keep that thought/witty comment to yourself.

So with that being said the internet isn’t going away.  We need it to Skype, buy things on Amazon, and look at daily cat videos.  But please people can we be a little more civil with each other?  Keep your comments to yourself! Unless you agree with me.  Then feel free to share away.