Archive | February, 2013

This is what’s wrong with the world today… sex.

12 Feb

This is what’s wrong with the world today… sex.  Yeah, I said it.  SEX!  I know as a species we need to have sex in order to keep the human race going (Sometimes I don’t think this is a good thing.) but sex often gets in the way of how we interact with others and get through the day.

It starts at a young age (and I am speaking here for the fellas).  We involuntarily get boners (I know they are called ‘erections’ but I like saying boners because I am 42 going on 12.) and this creates problems in school.  We’re just sitting at our desk in class minding our own business, probably doodling something, when all of the sudden Junior decides to make his presence known.  Of course that is when we get called to the front of the room to write on the board or do our 5 minutes presentation on Frederick Douglass Jr.  So we hem and haw to prevent from going up.  We’ll ask to take a book up with us (boner shield) or maybe just take a failing grade.  The last thing we want to be known as is the guy who had a boner in history class.

Things don’t necessarily get any easier when you’re in high school.  The pressure of finding a girl to date, a girl that other dudes would be jealous we’re dating, and hopefully one that will put out.  It is all fumbling and groping and not knowing what the hell you are doing.  I suppose kids today have it easier with all the porn that is accessible on the internet.  When I was a teen all we had were magazines you found in the woods that had sticky pages.  I wonder if they still print ‘Big Beaver?’

And then as you get older you realize that sex is more than just an act.  More than just something that is fun to do.  You realize it is a tool!  And sadly, not a tool that men have in their toolbox.  Sex is a woman’s tool and they have stores to prove it; stores like Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood.  Stores where they get all dressed up in lingerie to get guys all excited and get big boners.  But do guys get sex?!  No, we gotta do things first. Like clean out the garage, or clean the gutters, or watch her grandma for an hour while your girlfriend goes out and gets a pedi. (And guys do we really care about feet?  No, we don’t. Unless you’re into that foot fetish stuff in which case you’re a freak and I don’t want to know you.)  The problem with this tool is that guys fall for it every time.  We want the sex.  We know you have the sex.  We do stuff for the sex, mostly because we want this damn boner to go away.

We know certain celebrities (for lack of a better term) because of sex tapes they put out.  Would we really know who Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are if it weren’t for those bad decisions they made years ago?  Maybe it was marketing?  Maybe they just felt like they didn’t need to go to school or learn how to act?  Instead just set up a camera in the corner and take some lurid video of themselves.  Well played ladies.  You are much richer and famous for having done so. But at what cost?

And if it isn’t the ladies trying to sex us up it is the advertising world.  All these ads with naked ladies trying to sell us potato chips, or beer, or websites.  You’d think I’d be able to make a rational decision on my own without boobs being placed next to the product in question.  Apparently they don’t trust me with that.  They want to make sure that I buy their crap products because they have the biggest boobs.  And sadly, I will.

So what is gonna be done about this?  Probably not much of anything.  Things will continue to get more and more graphic til one day we see someone getting a blow job to sell a lollipop product.  I’m going to try and capitalize on it.  I’m going to create a line of underwear that hides boners.  Those 12 year olds are gonna love it!