Archive | March, 2014

8 (or so) Rules to Headlining a Comedy Show

25 Mar

A friend of mine, Mike Malone, recently wrote a blog on how to be an effective mc.  He had 8 rules for it and it was spot on.  I agreed with it completely.  Go take a look at it for yourself if you want-

It got me thinking though… Mike mc’s probably as much as I headline.  And that just ain’t that much.  So I figured if he can write a blog about how to be a better mc, I can write one on how to be a better headliner.  So in no particular order here are 8 (or so) rules on how to be a better headliner.

1- Be to the club before show time.  Can you do that fellas?  I know that you go on a good 45 minutes after show time starts but by you being there before showtime it alleviates a lot of heart problems.  And maybe, just maybe, you can learn something about the crowd by watching what the mc and feature do in front of ya.

2- Don’t give the mc an essay to read as your intro.  3 things (TOPS!) is sufficient. Things like Letterman, Bob + Tom, and Comedy Central work.  Hell even the old ‘working clubs and colleges all over’ works.  But if you have the mc read your intro or you have them say what small role you played in some shitty movie that no one ever saw, you are a douchebag.  Credits are for posters.  People are already in the room.  Just make em laugh.

3- Don’t bitch about radio/tv.  I know it sucks.  Trust me I have had to take headliners to do media spots more times than I would care to.  These things are done to help spread the word about YOUR show. It helps the club sell tickets so more people come and see YOU! It really benefits you in the long run.  Take a nap that afternoon.  You were going to anyway.

4- Write some new jokes now and then.  Congrats on becoming a headliner but if you come back to club once a year people are gonna remember what your act was and how little it has changed.  Your career does not end at that 1st hour.

5- And stop using fucking street jokes!!!!  God damn it!!!  You are the fucking headliner! Have some respect.

6- Enough with the musical closers.  I get it, they kill.  Everyone loves em.  However there can be technical difficulties with em and that causes awkwardness.  And you get angry, and we get nervous about hitting the right button at the right cue.  Fuck, they are stupid.  Go to Vegas if you want to sing and dance.

7- There is no need to sell so much merch after a show.  A cd and a t-shirt will suffice.  No need to have a fucking flea market after the show.  Makes you look desperate.  If you have more shit to sell have people go to your website instead.

8- Be nice to the mc.  The mc can be your connection to the town, be your driver, help you get things you need, and is probably your connection to the club.  You don’t need to be dick to him or anyone else.

9- Stick around after the show to thank people for coming out.  It looks good for you and the club.  I have seen some headliners just not to hang out and thank people for coming.  I get how sometimes the show might have been shitty and you feel awkward about standing there.  Tough shit.  That is part of the fucking business.  Thank people for coming.  Being a little gracious looks good on you.

10- No need to bitch about the food or drink specials.  All clubs do things a little differently.  Some places you get all things comped.  Other places you get discounts.  Just relax about it.  And if it really bothered ya that much ya don’t need to ever work the room again.  That simple.

11- Stick to your time.  I know you want the guys in front of you to stick to their time.  You do the same thing.  If you are supposed to do 45, do 45.  You get an hour, do that hour.  No need to do 90 minutes yourself.  You know who likes that?  I can tell you who doesn’t, the waitstaff.  If you go over like that they either have to hustle to turn the room over for the 2nd show or they are just sitting around all god damn night after the 2nd show cause someone has a hard-on and wants to show the crowd what they can do.  I have seen enough headliners kill the room because their ego wouldn’t let them end when they should have. So relax headliner.  No need to blow your load. Just do your time.

That is about it folks.  You follow those simple 11 little rules and you will be that much of a better headliner.  What the fuck do I know?!  I just see it every weekend.




4 Mar




I own several cats.  I have always been a big fan of cats.  There were always several in the house when I was a child and I have always had at least one as an adult.  It isn’t like I hate dogs.  I don’t.  I just prefer cats.  I think it is their easy going attitude.  Anyway, when I worked Child Protective Services a coworker of mine actually said she felt I was more concerned about the cats in the house than the kids.  Maybe she was right…

Anyway, I had to put down one of them this past Fri.  I’ve had to put down other pets before but it still is never an easy thing to do.  Goose (Her real name was Lucilla but I never called her that.  I called her Lucy which turned into Lucy Goosey, which turned into Goosey, which turned in Goose. If you know me at all you know I never call my pets by their real names.) was a cat that I adopted from the Kent County Humane Society.  I had recently put down my cat Fluffy (Who I called Monkey. No idea why.) and was moving into my new house.  I felt my other cat Sheeva (Beaver) could use a companion.  I took a kid of a friend of mine with me to go cat shopping.  Goose was a nice dusty calico looking cat. Fat too.  I mean she was big.  Easily 18 pounds.  We took her into visiting room just to see how she would react.  She let that kid man handle her.  I could see already that she was going to be a good cat.

Seems Goose was 2 years old and had all her claws removed.  I found it strange that someone would do that to a cat and then discard her.  She loved being petted and loved rolling on her back to have her tummy rubbed.  A cat that lets you do that is a cat you don’t let go.  I was sold.  And out the door we went.

Goose couldn’t have been a better cat.  She loved everyone. I have had several girlfriends, roommates, dogs and other cats in the house.  And she got along with each and everyone of them.  Never a problem, never a peep.  She just wanted her food and to have her belly rubbed.

She loved going outside in the back yard.  It was fenced off so I know she wouldn’t get away.  Not like she would have.  She knew where the food was.  She liked to nibble on the grass stalks and lie in the sun.  Not too long though.  She would meow when she wanted to come in.  And that was about the only time you would ever hear from her.

She had such a loud purr.  You could get it out of her by giving her food, scratching her ears, and even by calling her name.  She was such a lovely sweet cat.

I had her 13 years.  Tumors came and there was not much you could do about it.  I gave her medicine to keep her healthy.  She never liked taking pills and I had to fight her to get her to swallow them.  I would yell ‘These pills are keeping you alive!’ but she didn’t care.  Eventually even the pills weren’t going to help.  She stopped eating and lost a lot of weight.  She stopped purring which hurt me.  It came time to make that awful decision that no pet owner wants to make.  I didn’t want to see her in pain anymore.

It was over quick at the vets.  Just a sedative and an injection and it was done.  She was gone.  It has only been a few days and it still isn’t easy for me.  I know it will get better.  My life is better off for being a pet owner.