Archive | August, 2017

100 Words a Day #138

31 Aug

The Sheriff gave Bob the side eye.  ‘So Sam living here?  Or was he just visiting?  Seems weird he was tinkering in your house.’

‘Sam was just visiting.  I’ve known Sam for over 20 years.  I had no problem with him being on his own in the house.  He liked to mess with stuff.  I never thought he would make something that would explode.  I kinda like my house the way it was.’

‘I think it would be best if we go to the station to finish this up.’

Bob grabbed a notebook and headed out to the Sheriff’s car.


100 Words a Day #137

31 Aug

It must be really hard to be a cheerleader from Wales.

‘Give me a Y!’


Give me an S!’


‘Give me a T!’


‘Give me an R!’


Give me an A!’


‘Give me a D!’


‘Give me a G!’


‘Give me a Y!’


‘Give me an N!’


‘Give me an L!’


‘Give me an A!’


‘Give me an I!’


‘Give me an S!’


‘What’s that spell?!’

‘We really have no idea.  We are pretty drunk right now.  We think that word is probably just jibberish or something.’


100 Words a Day #136

29 Aug

‘Meow.’  said the cat.

‘Moo.’ said the cow.

‘Quack.’ said the duck.

‘What the fuck these fucks say?’ said the stray dog.


It is raining cats and dogs.  The dog catcher is losing his mind!


Let sleeping dogs lie.  It had to work a double.


You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  But an old dog knows how to turn tricks.


If your dog doesn’t like someone you probably shouldn’t either.  They probably just owe the dog money.


The average dog is nicer than the average person.  That doesn’t take much.


Easiest way to spell happiness? D O G.


100 Words a Day #135

28 Aug

‘And who is the Other?’ asked Carl.

‘The Other is me and Bengo.  Bengo made the Other when he made me’  she said.

‘Ok, I don’t think I ever got your name.  It is?’

‘Other.  I am Other.’

‘Of course you are.  I’m not calling you Other.  I’m calling you…’ he searched for a name. ‘Joan.  I’m calling you Joan.’

‘Why are you calling me Joan?’

‘Because of Joan of Arc.  She was a young girl who believed she talked to God and was here to save people.  You seem a little fucked up so Joan it is. You’re Joan.’


100 Words a Day #134

27 Aug

‘Hey man, you are too old to do this.’

‘But I have experience.’

‘Don’t care.  You can’t relate.’

‘But I have knowledge.’

‘Doesn’t matter, you are washed up.’

‘But I have things still left to offer.  I can offer things to people.’

‘You have been surpassed.  We want youth!’

‘But youth doesn’t have the experience to know what will happen.  What about life experiences?’

‘Doesn’t matter.  If you aren’t hip to the new culture, you are out!’

‘Did you say ‘hip’?  I think by using that word that maybe you are too old yourself. Maybe you should reconsider?’

‘God Dammit!’


100 Words a Day #133

26 Aug

‘Man, that movie sucked.’

‘It did?  I kinda liked it.  What did you not like about it?’ she said.

‘The popcorn was awful.  It was too salty.’

‘The popcorn?

‘Yeah, and the seats were too lumpy.  I think there was a spring busted in mine.’

‘The seats?’

‘And the people sitting a few rows in front of us…  The one guy would not get off his phone.  I think he was playing Candy Crush or something.  Who still plays Candy Crush?’

‘But what about the movie?  What did you think of that?’

‘Any, could have been better.  Needed more nudity.’


100 Words a Day #132

25 Aug

As I put on the makeup for the 1 millionth time I wonder how it came to this.  The big red lipstick lips.  The bright red eye shadow.  The white face paint.

‘Go be an entertainer’ they said.  ‘You’ll be good at it’ they said.

‘Where the fuck are my shoes? How do you lose size 30 shoes?’

They were in the trunk of his car.  Next to all of his balloons and pump.

Welp, time to go pay some bills.

He arrived at the house, rang the bell, and yelled ‘Poopsie the Clown is here! You ready for fun?!’


100 Words a Day #131

24 Aug

‘Sam was in the garage.  Like I said I was in the house.  Sam liked to tinker with the car.  I just assumed he was working on it.’

‘And what were you doing Bob?’  Asked the Sheriff.  ‘You sure you were in the house?  Maybe you were in the garage with Sam.  Maybe you set off the bomb.  Not saying you did it on purpose but maybe you were there.’

‘Look Sheriff, I was in the house.  I was on my computer watching Netflix.  I’m a fan of Daredevil and was watching before the new Defenders came out.  That’s it.’


100 Words a Day #130

23 Aug

Ok, ok…  I need to write some new jokes.  Before that let me check my emails.  Hmmm, seems like there are no email from bookers or fests saying I got in.  That is disappointing.  Let me email them back quick.  Alright, that’s done.  They’ll get back to me now I bet.

Let me check Facebook.  I have some notifications and friend requests.  Why do all these porn bot ladies have 3 names?  That is weird.

Ok, time to check Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram.  I have some new pics to post.

Meanwhile 6 hours later no new jokes have been written.


100 Words a Day #129

22 Aug

‘Mr. Johnson?  Right this way into the examination room.  Have a seat.  Ok, says here you are having problems with your vision.

‘Yes, I can’t see.’

‘When did this start happening?’


‘Any previous history of eye problems?’


‘Any history of diabetes or other health problems?’


‘Welp, did you do anything differently today?’

‘Not really.  I ate breakfast.  Was leaving to go to work.  I looked up at the eclipse for a minute or 2.  It was pretty bright ya know.  And then drove off.’

‘Did you use eclipse glasses?’


‘I’m sorry sir, we can’t fix stupid.’