Archive | September, 2017

100 Words a Day #166

30 Sep

As they drove up to the stadium they realized they didn’t know exactly what they were in for.  They were used to seeing games at home.  The safe confines of New Era stadium where everyone rooted for the same team.  Everyone here was wearing awful orange and brown colors.  Cleveland really is an awful city so these colors were perfect.

They parked their car but had hesitations about getting out.  They wanted to support their team but didn’t want to get their ass kicked. But ultimately they got out and displayed their red, white and blue jerseys. Bills won big.

bills

Advertisements

100 Words a Day #165

29 Sep

‘Wynter! Wynter! Get in the car! It is time to go!’  he yelled.

Wynter was nowhere to be found.  He looked around the house to find her.  Nothing.  He went outside to the backyard.  She was in the corner digging away.  He got up to her and grabbed her collar.  ‘C’mon!  We are gonna be late.  You are so dirty.’

He put her in the car and they got on their way.  Wynter liked to stick her head out the window and feel the wind on her face and tongue.

The vet had bad news for them.  Wynter had cancer.

dog

100 Words a Day #164

27 Sep

He reached for the parmesan cheese across the table.  The cuff of his sleeve got into some sauce.  It spread across the table cloth when he reached back.  He did not notice til the waiter informed him.

He audibly sighed.  He was disappointed in his own table manners.  He had just got his shirt dry cleaned as well.  He figured getting it dry cleaned again was gonna cost another 7 bucks.  He didn’t know if they could get out the sauce. All because he need some parm on his meatballs.

He paid his bill and profusely apologized to the waiter.

parm

100 Words a Day #163

26 Sep

‘So uh, do you have any dildos that float?’ he asked sheepishly.

‘Well, as far as I know they should all float. They are made out of a hard plastic and plastic usually seems to float. We do have some that are made out of a gel.  They will probably float too.’ said the woman behind the counter.

‘Ok, I will take 5.’

She picked out 5 and laid em out on the counter for him.

‘You want to know why I need them to float?’

‘Nope.’

‘We’re gonna bob for dildos.’

‘I try not to get into people’s fetishes.’

Dildo

100 Words a Day #162

24 Sep

The bachelorette party stumbled into the comedy club.  It was 10 minutes before show time.  There were 12 of them and they had already ‘pregamed’ so they were in high form.  The door man reminded them that they needed to be quiet during the show  as to not disturb others in the crowd.  A loud ‘WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!’ was yelled.

The 12 ladies were adorned with penises.  They were on their heads, dresses, fingers and even in their drinks.

One stood up and said ‘We really need to do shots of jager!’

They were kicked out 10 minutes in to the show.

bacheloretteparty2

100 Words a Day #161

23 Sep

Yesterday I was accused of ‘poor shaming’ because of a joke.  I said I saw a homeless guy on a corner.  I was cool with him being there and was fine with his hustle.  I just didn’t want to see count his money there.  One day my car might lose steering.  The joke is that I am jealous of his situation.

But there was OUTRAGE from one guy!  I was shaming the guy.   Where did the shame come from because HE had the money.  Not me.

So I responded as best I could and I told him to FUCK OFF!

Outrage_logo_red

100 Words a day #160

22 Sep

‘Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the candlestick.’  Jack be not doing much.  And the person  talking about Jack not be smart.

The world would be a much safer place if cop cars were unmanned.

If we ate with our feet, and not our hands, would we still wear sneakers?

What do porno stars watch on the internet?  Cat videos?

Shout out to the guy who gave the first shout out.

What was the smartest dinosaur?  The Thesaurus.

I’m not anal.  More like anal-ist.

I gave a kid on a school bus the finger, so there’s that.

jokes